After All This Time
by Classy Cutie
Summary: "After all this time?" "Always." Snape's love for Lily will never die. This is how he feels when he sees her letter to Sirius, and what he remembers. Set during Deathly Hallows, so there are spoilers!


I kneeled on Sirius Black's bedroom floor, clutching a piece of parchment in my fist. Tears were dripping off the end of my nose, and hitting the hardwood floor. I was holding a letter that Lily had written to Sirius over 17 years ago, and I looked at her perfect handwriting through my tears, relishing in the feeling it gave me. It made me feel like she was alive once again, and I wasn't alone anymore. Nostalgia overwhelmed me, and I allowed memories to overtake my mind.

I remember the first time I ever saw her. Even as a child, she was beautiful. She had brilliant red hair and bright green eyes. She had captivated me, and I couldn't help but watch her. I desperately wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't think of anything to say. It hadn't mattered though, because one day I saw her do magic, and I wanted to be the one to tell her she was a witch. But when I did, everything came out all wrong. I was worried she wouldn't ever talk to me again, but later she asked me more about magic. We had become best friends after that. At Hogwarts she remained my best friend, though I started associating with dark wizards. It worried her that I had become so immersed in the Dark Arts and she confronted me about it one day. But I had more important things on my mind.

"_I didn't mean-I just don't want to see you made a fool of-He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" I remember how hard it was for me to say those words. "And he's not…everyone thinks…Big Quidditch __hero-"_

"_I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," She had interrupted my rambling, but it hadn't mattered. It felt like a giant weight was lifted off my back. My spirits soared and the hope that one day she might love me back was restored. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humor is just evil. _Evil_, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them." I had hardly heard her reprimand me on my choice of company, nor did I care. She didn't like James Potter. She wanted to be friends with _me_ over James Potter. _

But in fifth year our friendship fell apart, and it was all my fault…

"_I'm sorry."_

"_I'm not interested."_

"_I'm sorry!"_

"_Save your breath." _

_With every word that came out of her perfect lips, my hope sank lower and lower. She had to accept my apology, she had to! I couldn't loose her…_

"_I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."_

"_I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you a Mudblood, it just…" She didn't know how desperate I was. How I _would_ have slept in the corridor for her. I would have done anything for her. Anything at all…_

"_I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." She said, with finality._

"_No-Listen, I didn't mean-" I could not loose her. She was everything to me. I remember how beautiful she looked. Even though her bright green eyes were cold, they still sent shocks through me. She gave me a disapproving look and climbed back through the portrait hole, leaving me alone. I felt a million things at once; I wanted to cry and scream and do absolutely everything in my power to get her back, to make her be my friend again. Desire filled up my entire being, I had never wanted to have anything back so badly. But I was powerless. I couldn't do a thing. She was out of my reach._

I remember how it felt, in seventh year, when she started dating James Potter. There was no one less deserving of her. He didn't deserve her love, or the look in her eyes whenever she saw him. He didn't deserve her kindness or loyalty or clever comments. He didn't see her beauty when she was being stubborn or standing up for what she thought was right. He would never care to notice how she balls up her hands into fists and clamps them by her sides when she's trying to control her temper. He would never notice how she bites her cheek when she's concentrating, or how her eyes widen slightly when she's curious. He would never love her the way I do. When she married him and had his child, there was little that I lived for. I cried every night until I finally fell asleep, but I was furious at myself for crying. I had a framed picture of her, and I couldn't stand to look at it. But at the same time, I couldn't bear to look away from it.

I remember how it felt to stand on that hilltop, at the mercy of Albus Dumbledore. I was there to ask him to protect Lily Evans. Her life was at stake, and it would be my fault if she died. It didn't matter to me whether Voldemort killed the child or not, I just wanted Lily to be safe. I pleaded with Dumbledore for her protection. It was like my life was on the line, not hers. Hell, she was my life. Dumbledore had asked what he would get in return for protecting her. I had agreed to do anything. To this day, I have not regretted it, and I never will.

I remember the pain and misery overwhelming me. It was like I was filled to the brim with grief, and I would explode at any moment if I couldn't let it out. But no matter how much I cried or yelled, there was no way of letting my grief go. Lily Evans was gone. She would never look at me again with her brilliant green eyes, or laugh at my jokes. She would never hug me again, or smile. She would never do anything, ever again. And it was my fault. My sobs had echoed around Dumbledore's study, and I had kept my head in my arms. It was too much to lift my head up. It was too much to do anything. I felt numb, but it didn't stop the pain. Her beautiful eyes, her kindness, her cleverness, her fierce independence, her loyalty, her bravery, her _life_, all reflected in those bright green eyes, _gone_…

"_Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evan's eyes, I am sure?"_

"_Don't!" I had yelled. "Gone…Dead…" It seemed unreal. _

"_Is this remorse, Severus?" _

"_I wish…I wish _I _were dead." Dumbledore did not know how truthful I had been. If only the Dark Lord could have taken my life to spare hers…_

I remember when Dumbledore had told me that Lily Potter's son had to die. After years of protecting the boy, making sure that Lily didn't die in vain, wasted. It had been an inexpressible comfort to me, knowing I had granted Lily's dying wish; her son's protection and survival. It had comforted me to know that Lily would be happy with me, knowing I was ensuring the safety of her only son. The son she had sacrificed herself to save. Now the boy was going to have to die, and I would be letting Lily down, once again...

"_I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter-"_

"_But this is touching, Severus," Said Dumbledore, seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"_

"_For _him_?" I had yelled, outraged. "_Expecto Patronum!_" A silver doe soared from the tip of my wand, and Dumbledore watched it fly out the window. He then looked back at me with watery eyes. _

"_After all this time?"_

"_Always." I said. _

Now, kneeling in Sirius Black's bedroom, clutching a piece of parchment in my fist, my tears fall harder on the wooden floors. The last line Lily had written- _'Lots of love, Lily'_ struck something deep within me. It stirred my love for her, my passion for her and who she was. I tucked the page inside my robes, close to my heart. I looked at the photograph accompanying the letter. Lily was laughing in it, her green eyes were sparkling and bright. Lily, my Lily. My best friend and my one and only love. She's the reason I live; the reason for every move I make and every breath I take. I tore the picture in half, as Harry and James spoiled it. I only wanted her face. Her beautiful, laughing face. Tears streamed harder down my cheeks, and I felt as if I wanted to scream and laugh and cry all at once. Only she could make me feel that way. Full to the brim, explosive if I don't let emotion out. But no matter what I did, I couldn't let any emotion out. But this time I wanted to keep it close to me, because it would be like keeping part of her with to me. Lily. My Lily, because my love will never die. I thought, as I put the picture in my robes, and threw the other half under the chest of drawers.

A/N-All the quotes in italics are copywrite of JK Rowling, Arthur A. Levine Books, and Scholastic. I got the quotes from Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, pages 674-689. Anyway, this story is Lots of Love, Lily but with a different title, and revised. Tell me which one you like better, and thank you who commented and favorited! :)


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